Greg Hartnett

In perhaps the most important Congressional battle this year, that weird kid with the cool dog will be battling the greatest linguist in history. That’s right, the perennial underdog will be duking it out with the animal translator turned naturalist for a coveted seat at the Round Table.

In what is proving to be a close race, Democratic candidate Charlie Brown is making big promises. While quick to point a critical eye at incumbent, Republican Dr. Doolittle, Mr. Brown has recently had trouble keeping his own critics at bay.

At a recent press conference, Charlie Brown lashed out at reporters for criticizing his poor math skills. Mr. Brown quipped, “Well, what the hell do you expect? That’s why I have made schools one of my highest priorities. How can you expect a kid to learn if they can’t understand a single word any of the adults are saying? Maybe my opponent can understand - the guy can talk to ducks - but until we get some teachers in the classromm that our kids can understand, we’re stuck at square one. The current Congressman, Dr. Doolittle, is too busy taking money from special interests to pay attention to our schools. California will not be safe until we have a representative that values our kids more than his animal friends. ”

An aide to Dr. Doolittle, Gub-Gub the pig, declined to comment.

More on this as news from the Fourth Congressional District unfolds.